Santa Called. He Wants His Exit Strategy Back.

Well butter my biscuit and call me Mary Poppins—we’ve got ourselves a certified chimney caper out of Bristol, Connecticut, and let me tell you, it is chef’s kiss worthy of the Florida Man Hall of Fame, except it took place in the Nutmeg State. (Which, if you ask me, sounds less like a state and more like a seasonal latte.)

Here’s what happened: a man got stuck in a chimney while trying to rescue his dog from a locked bathroom. You read that right. Not a child. Not a priceless heirloom. A dog. Trapped in a public park restroom. After hours. I don’t know what that pup did to get himself in that kind of situation, but I’d bet my next paycheck there were squirrels involved.

Now, to be crystal clear: I love dogs. I would throw myself in front of a rogue Roomba if it meant protecting my poodle mix, Buttons. But there’s a line, and that line is breaking into a chimney like it’s Christmas Eve and your name is Kris Kringle with boundary issues.

According to police and parks officials, this local gentleman discovered that the new automatic locks at Rockwell Park’s restrooms kicked in at 10 p.m.—as they are programmed to do, because society functions best when public restrooms don’t become overnight Airbnb listings. His dog was still inside when the doors locked. And instead of calling animal control, the police, a locksmith, or even yelling “Here, boy!” through the air vent with a sense of urgency, our hero decided the logical thing to do was to scale the roof and shimmy down the chimney like he was auditioning for America’s Got Fire Hazards.

The only problem? Chimneys don’t work like elevators. They’re not built for exit or entry—unless you’re magic or made of soot. And so, like so many badly planned Home Depot projects, this one ended in the flue. Literally. He got wedged near the flue and had to be extracted by a team of firefighters who probably woke up that day thinking, “Hope it’s a quiet Sunday.”

Spoiler: it was not.

To add spice to this already absurd dish, the rescue required dismantling parts of the chimney and building—racking up an estimated $5,000 to $10,000 in damages. And if you think the man got a pat on the back and a biscuit for loving his dog so much, think again. He got charged with burglary, trespassing, and criminal mischief. Which is the polite legal term for “You broke our bathroom and made us explain this to a reporter.”

Now here’s the real kicker, folks. Are you ready?

The bathroom doors open from the inside.
That’s right. The dog could’ve just walked out. He wasn’t being held hostage. No one needed a battering ram or a chimney sweep. Had our man simply waited a few hours or picked up the phone to ask a single adult how locks work, we wouldn’t be here. But alas, here we are.

The city’s community engagement coordinator even said, “If he had just contacted police in the first place, we might have been able to avoid the situation.”

That’s the understatement of the year, ma’am.

And let’s not ignore the irony: a man trying to rescue a dog got himself arrested, while the dog walked away clean. I believe that’s what philosophers call “role reversal,” and what the rest of us call “embarrassing.”

Now, you know I always try to find the silver lining in my snark. So here’s the moral of today’s tale:

Sometimes love makes us do crazy things. But there’s a fine line between being a devoted dog owner and a reverse Santa with a criminal record. Next time you’re faced with a locked door, take a deep breath. Then take out your phone. Ask for help. Google a solution. Phone a friend. Do literally anything except scale a chimney like you’re chasing the ghost of Lassie.

Bless this man. Bless that poor confused dog. And bless the city of Bristol, whose firefighters now have the world’s weirdest team-building story.

And bless your headlines, America. Because as long as we keep finding new ways to make bad decisions out of love, I’ll never run out of material.