OPINION: He Stole a Chicken—But This Ain’t Your Average Barnyard Drama. Bless Your Headlines, America.

Let’s get one thing straight: when a man kicks in his ex-girlfriend’s door, scoops up her pet chicken, yells “I’ve got Polly!” and runs into the woods… we are officially out of rom-com territory and deep into backwoods soap opera.

This isn’t a deleted scene from Tiger King or an April Fool’s headline that got lost on the calendar. This is real life in Kitsap County, Washington, where, according to police, a 50-year-old man—recently released from custody just three hours earlier—decided the best way to make a comeback was by committing poultry-napping in broad daylight.

And while I know we’re all wondering the same thing (did Polly at least get a ride in the front seat?), here’s the actual kicker: when deputies caught up with him in the woods, they let him gently place the chicken in the back of the patrol car before cuffing him. Because even in the most absurd situations, you respect the bird.

Now look, I’m not saying this isn’t hilarious on the surface. It absolutely is. A man was taken down over a chicken. Not a diamond ring. Not a car. A chicken named Polly. But it also feels like one of those moments when the punchline is sitting on top of something a little more serious.

This man didn’t just cross a line—he drop-kicked it. Kicking in someone’s door and violating a protection order isn’t quirky, it’s a red flag wrapped in feathers. And yet, here we are, trying to make sense of a world where emotional immaturity and actual criminal behavior are apparently just one cluck away.

Still, maybe there’s something to be learned here. Like:

• Lock your doors.
• Name your chickens something intimidating, like Cluckles the Avenger.
• And above all, if your ex yells “I’ve got Polly” and bolts into the woods… it’s probably time to change your number and your coop location.

So yes, laugh. Please. We all need it. But also take a beat to remember that personal boundaries—unlike chickens—should never be up for grabs.

Stay safe. Hug your pets. And if you’re planning to commit grand theft poultry, maybe… don’t.

🐔 Georgia Dale is a humorist with a heart for common sense. She writes about the wonderfully weird and what it says about us as a country. Read more in her Bless Your Headlines column at Think American News.