Jokes, Wings, and Weird Ice Cream: America, You’ve Done It Again

Well, here we are again. Another Tuesday, another trio of absurd, unnecessary, and completely delightful holidays that make me wonder if there’s some bored committee somewhere in a basement, drinking flat Diet Cokes and inventing fake reasons for us to feel festive.

July 1st is no exception. Today, America — and apparently the rest of the world — tips its hat to International Joke Day, International Chicken Wing Day, and National Creative Ice Cream Flavors Day. That’s right. We’ve got laughter, poultry, and dairy — the Holy Trinity of summer chaos.

Let’s take them in order, shall we?

International Joke Day

On a scale of one to “Dad,” how corny is too corny?

Today, there’s no such thing. It’s International Joke Day — a sacred opportunity to dust off the punchlines you’ve been sitting on since 1997. The day was reportedly invented by someone with a serious love of groaners, and bless them for that. Laughter really is the best medicine, especially when your insurance co-pay is higher than your rent.

Now, if you’re thinking, “This is the day I unleash my knock-knock joke that involves a duck, a doorknob, and a double entendre,” the answer is: Yes. Yes, it is. And please send it to me, I collect these things like weird stamps.

Here’s one to get you started:

Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.

(That silence you’re hearing is my editor sighing audibly.)

International Chicken Wing Day

Next up, let’s move from punchlines to poultry. It’s International Chicken Wing Day — which honestly feels more like a Saturday sport, but here we are, celebrating it on a Tuesday because logic is for January.

Some people prefer flats. Others swear by drums. Personally, I’m just here for the sauce and the napkins. And if you’re one of those monsters who eats boneless wings and calls them “just as good,” I regret to inform you that those are nuggets, sweetie. Respectfully, I don’t make the rules — I just sauce them.

Buffalo, lemon pepper, garlic parmesan — the world is your deep fryer. Today’s about spicy fingers and that moment of regret when you think you can handle “atomic heat level 10” and suddenly you’re bargaining with God over a celery stick.

National Creative Ice Cream Flavors Day

And just when you think your digestive system can’t take anymore — boom — National Creative Ice Cream Flavors Day shows up like the grand finale of a chaotic summer parade.

This is not a day for your basic chocolate chip. No, no. This is the day for avocado-honey swirl. For jalapeño-peach gelato. For wasabi-mint-sriracha sherbet — which, yes, I’ve tried, and yes, I regret.

The point is: Ice cream has entered its “experimental jazz” phase. Somewhere, a bearded man in Portland is churning up a batch of pickle juice and tahini custard as we speak. And someone, somewhere, is about to pretend they enjoy it.

And honestly? I respect that. Life is short. Lick the lavender-gorgonzola cone. Try the bourbon-bacon ripple. Just maybe keep a bottle of Tums nearby.

So what’s the takeaway on this day of nonsense?

Here’s the thing — in a world that often feels like a high-speed blender with the lid off, maybe these silly little observances matter more than we think. Maybe telling a terrible joke, licking a weird ice cream cone, or wearing wing sauce like war paint is exactly the kind of joyful rebellion we need.

Because yes, life is hard. But today? Today we’ve got wings. We’ve got laughter. We’ve got dill-pickle ice cream (don’t ask). And we’ve got a reason — however ridiculous — to smile, laugh, and maybe nap with a paper towel stuck to our face.

That, my friends, is what I call American excellence.

Now go forth, tell jokes, eat wings, try something frozen and questionable, and remember: if anyone asks why you’re doing any of this, just say, “It’s a national holiday.”

Because technically, it is.