Florida Man Trades Snacks for Shackles: Midnight Mumble Ends in Car Nap Arrest

Florida, bless your sunshine, your beaches, and your uncanny ability to generate news headlines that read more like rejected sitcom scripts. Today’s installment comes straight out of DeFuniak Springs, where a woman woke up at the crack of dawn to discover a stranger standing at the foot of her bed. Not delivering flowers. Not serenading her with a guitar. Just mumbling. Because of course he was.

According to the Walton County Sheriff’s Office, 40-year-old Elijah Spencer’s morning routine involved creeping into someone else’s home, muttering unintelligibly next to the poor woman’s bed, and then wandering off like he’d just remembered he left the oven on. She did what any rational human would do in that moment: yelled at him. Spencer, perhaps realizing this was not the warm welcome he expected, politely shuffled out the back door.

Now, if the story ended there, it would already be bizarre enough. But Florida headlines never stop at “weird enough.” Deputies say the homeowner quickly realized this wasn’t just a cameo appearance in her bedroom. Spencer had apparently made himself right at home, leaving behind some of his clothing and, more tragically, stealing some of her snack foods. Yes, this man risked his freedom for prepackaged munchies. Forget diamonds or electronics—he wanted Doritos.

The woman then went outside, maybe to check if he’d disappeared down the street. Instead, she discovered her uninvited houseguest had relocated to the family car. And not just sitting in the front seat trying to figure out how to hotwire it—no, no. He was sound asleep in the backseat, curled up like a toddler after snack time.

Let’s pause for a moment to appreciate the sheer audacity of this move. Breaking and entering is one thing. Stealing snacks? Annoying, but still relatively minor. But to then tuck yourself in for a cozy nap in the homeowner’s vehicle, as if you’ve checked into a roadside motel, takes Florida Man behavior to an Olympic level.

Deputies soon arrived and did what deputies in Florida must do far too often: drag an unwilling, confused, and snack-stuffed suspect out of a car he had no business occupying. Reports say Spencer refused to exit on his own, so they had to physically pull him out, which, given the circumstances, probably wasn’t as dramatic as it sounds. The man had just eaten snack packs and passed out. I imagine it was less “tense police standoff” and more “waking up your teenager for school.”

For his troubles, Spencer now faces charges of burglary of an occupied dwelling, burglary of an unoccupied conveyance (that’s lawyer-speak for “sleeping in someone else’s car like it’s your personal Holiday Inn”), criminal mischief, and resisting an officer without violence. The “without violence” part really underscores how lethargic this whole ordeal was. Too tired to fight, too disoriented to explain, and too hungry to leave the Cheez-Its alone.

The woman, meanwhile, probably has some trust issues to work through, along with the trauma of finding a stranger looming beside her bed. I don’t know about you, but if I wake up at 5:30 in the morning, it had better be to an alarm clock or coffee brewing—not a mumbling man in his 40s who thinks my pantry is his buffet.

And the snacks? That’s the real heartbreak here. Somewhere in Florida, a woman is staring at an empty wrapper, knowing her midnight stash was sacrificed to fuel the nap of a burglar with questionable life choices. The nerve.

But this, dear readers, is why Florida never disappoints when it comes to headline-worthy antics. Every time you think your morning commute or neighborhood drama is unusual, along comes a Florida Man to raise the bar. Forget crime dramas and thrillers; we should just start streaming Florida police blotters. The content writes itself.

So what’s the takeaway? Lock your doors, hide your snacks, and maybe invest in a car alarm that doubles as an air horn. Because apparently, in Florida, it’s not enough to worry about hurricanes, alligators, and humidity that makes your hair frizz. You also have to worry about drowsy snack bandits treating your property like their personal Airbnb.

As for Spencer, I’d say his new accommodations in county jail probably won’t come with prepackaged snack cakes and cushioned backseats. But hey, maybe he’ll finally get the full night’s sleep he was chasing. Florida, bless your headlines. You’ve done it again.